Ep. 1.2: Queen Esther & Miracle (ft. Dulcé Sloan)

Transcription by Colette Arrand. Hire her if you need things transcribed!

Mary Phillips-Sandy: Uh, let’s talk about cats, first, there is a dog in the studio today. I guess shout-out to Ruth Gator Binsberg, which is a pretty good dog name.

Dulcé: Sounds good.

Mary: Nice dog. But a dog. I am told, however, that Ruth really likes cats.

Dulcé: Alright, I’ll approve it.

Mary: Okay. So Ruth, you can stay. Um. Let’s talk about cats?

Dulcé: Yay! Kitties!

Mary: Yay! That’s a good thing to talk about.

[UPBEAT, SLIGHTLY FRANTIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC: Let’s talk about cats! Let’s talk about cats!]

Mary: This is Let’s Talk About Cats. I’m noted cat lady Mary Phillips-Sandy. My cat’s name is Grendel.

Dulcé: From Beowulf?

Mary: Yeah!

Dulcé: See? I know stuff!

Mary: Yeah you do.

Dulcé: I went to high school.

Mary: I didn’t read Beowulf in high school.

Dulcé: Oh, I did.

Mary: Okay, well. [Laughter.] Um, today I’m joined by Dulcé Sloan from The Daily Show.

Dulcé: Hello, friend.

Mary: With Trevor Noah.

Dulcé: Yeah, I know that guy.

Mary: AKA The Daily Show with Trevor Noah and Dulcé Sloan, is how I think of it.

Dulcé: Haaah! Okay! Tell Comedy Central and see what happens.

Mary: No, I will.

Dulcé: Ha!

Mary: Uh, I just did, I think. They’re listening. Hi, guys.

Dulcé: Hello, friends.

Mary: But here’s the catch: Dulcé lives in New York City and Queen Esther and Miracle live back in Georgia.

Dulcé: I have two cats. They’re at my mom’s house because they’re Georgia cats and I couldn’t bring them with me.

Mary: I would like you to describe each of your cats using only five words. They can be any five words. Cursing is allowed. And we can start with either Queen Esther or Miracle.

Dulcé: Uh, Queen Esther is “Do not touch Esther’s stomach.” Um—

Mary: Okay.

Dulcé: Is the main way to describe Esther.

Mary: [Laughter.]

Dulcé: And Miracle is “Rub my head, and treats.”

Mary: Wow, you know what? Esther, I feel you, I don’t like having my stomach touched either. I think that’s a really relatable way to be.

Dulcé: Yeah, they both—they always sleep with me. Esther, they have very different personalities. Esther is super chill nuuuuuuts. So, like her mom.

Mary: We love that.

[UPTEMPO ROCK MUSIC AND FEMALE VOCALISTS SINGING.]

Mary: It’s time for our cat quiz.

Dulcé: [Sing-song] Da-da-da da, meow-meow-meow da-da, meow-meow-meow-meow! Is there theme music to the cat quiz?

Mary: There is, but we might just use that. I don’t know, I liked that! Um, so uh, there’s a prize at stake.

Dulcé: Okay.

Mary: I want you to know there is a prize at stake. And, you know, on The Daily Show, I know you often have to comment on things that have happened in the world, and often it is something, uh, shitty that people have done. And you have to come in and smack ’em down a little bit. We don’t want to do that here. We want to take a break from that. We want to find out how much do you know about the news that matters most: Cat news.

Dulcé: Ha!

Mary: This is the special, non-depressing edition.

Dulcé: Of cat news?!

Mary: Cat news!

Dulcé: Okay.

Mary: I don’t know about you, I could use some non-depressing, happy news.

Dulcé: Yeah, you’ve got to be real careful with them, uh, Instagram videos about animals, because those Dodo—

Mary: I know.

Dulcé: They can go south real fast. And I was like, I did not need this!

Mary: You see the cute cat, you click on it, and it’s like “this cat was rescued after its owners tried to set it on fire 18 times.” I can’t!

Dulcé: Don’t need that.

[CAT QUIZ MUSIC: FAST DRUMS AND RUMBLING PURR SOUNDS.]

Mary: Alright. Are you ready, Dulcé Sloan?

Dulcé: Si!

Mary: Okay. In April, Pepper the cat was lost, and then found and reunited with her owner after a week of wandering in which New York City area airport?

Dulcé: Mmmmmm, LaGuardia?

Mary: I’m so sorry, it was JFK.

Dulcé: I knew it!

Mary: Which is a better airport. Yeah. Pepper escaped from the carrier. Here’s the best part: Port Authority spent a week trying to find her. Good on them.

Dulcé: Yeah.

Mary: And, uh, her owner’s roommate came and called out to her using her Chinese name. The cat responded.

Dulcé: Wow.

Mary: So Pepper is bilingual and that worked. Thank you.

Dulcé: Oh, love it!

Mary: Alright, number two: Which famous internet cat was awarded $710,000 by a jury after suing a beverage company for unauthorized use of his image?

Dulcé: Grumpy Cat.

Mary: Grumpy Cat, that’s right! Get that money, that’s right.

Dulcé: Yeah!

Mary: Number three: The town of Omena, Michigan, chose a fluffy nine-year-old cat named Sweet Tart McKee to be what?

Dulcé: Uhh, town mascot?

Mary: Its mayor!

Dulcé: How long was this cat mayor? A day?

Mary: I think it’s mayor for life. That’s my opinion, anyway.

Dulcé: Interesting. I wonder how it would vote.

Mary: Okay! Number four: Melissa McCarthy, great actress, she’s getting Oscar buzz for her new film, Can You Ever Forgive Me, which co-stars a very talented kitty named Towne. Director Marielle Heller described Towne as the what of cats?

Dulcé: Meryl Streep?

Mary: Very close. The Marlon Brando. I’m going to give it to you anyway, cause that’s basically the same thing.

Dulcé: Facts.

Mary: Amazing! Okay, our last question. Are you ready?

Dulcé: Yes.

Mary: Over the summer, the internet fell in love with Ozzy, a handsome cat who simply loves to snuggle with which juicy stone fruit?

Dulcé: Peach?

Mary: You’re from Georgia. You know it, that’s right!

Dulcé: Yeah, stone fruit! I mean, I don’t think it would be a plum.

Mary: Fantastic. Okay. Dulcé Sloan, you win our prize.

Dulcé: What is it?

Mary: So in case you want to shut out the world of bad cat news, I got you a cat eyemask—

Dulcé: Hey!

Mary: And two actual cat sheet masks that you can just kind of pull down over your eyes.

Dulcé: I love sheet masks!

Mary: Yeah, me too!

Dulcé: Ooh, and you got the Korean ones.

Mary: You know.

[UPTEMPO, GUITAR DRIVEN ROCK MUSIC]

Mary: Uh, it’s time for something that we call the hot topic debate, which is where you and I work together to answer a very divisive cat related issue, and whatever we decide is now going to be the answer forever. So if people ever ask the question, they just come back, listen to this segment, and then that’s the answer.

Dulcé: Kay.

Mary: You ready?

Dulcé: Yes.

Mary: The question we’re going to ask is how many cats are too many?

Dulcé: If you can afford a bunch of cats?

Mary: Mm-hmm.

Dulcé: Have a bunch of cats! But if it’s detrimental to you and the kitties to have seven cats, then you can’t have seven cats.

Mary: Is there like a square-footage rule?

Dulcé: Mmm, I think they’re going to find their own place. But it’s like, if you and the cats are eating cat food because you can’t afford all the cats?

Mary: Yeah.

Dulcé: Or if you can’t afford to take them to the vet.

Mary: Yes.

Dulcé: Um, you can’t afford to keep them in clean litter and water and food. Then I think, however much cat you can afford—

Mary: [Laughter.]

Dulcé: Is how much cat you should have.

Mary: I love that, because then I mean, I’m not rich, I will probably never be rich. But if I were rich, I do think about this, like I would open some sort of cat sanctuary.

Dulcé: As would I!

Mary: I would buy property.

Dulcé: As would I.

Mary: And I would buy—like a cattery, they call it—

Dulcé: Mm-hmm.

Mary: Where you have just like cats.

Dulcé: Mm-hmm.

Mary: And that is sort of the luxury life that I dream of.

Dulcé: Yes.

Mary: It’s not like, Gucci bags and Lamborghinis.

Dulcé: Nah, I don’t need a stupid purse. I need cats.

Mary: No, no, because yeah—yeah. So right, so it’s how much cat can you afford? I like that way of looking at it. See, I’ve always used the rule of thumb of like, one cat per person, plus one.

Dulcé: Hmm.

Mary: Like it’s you and one other person in the household, you can have three cats. If you have four people in the household, you can have five cats.

Dulcé: Yeah.

Mary: Right? But you couldn’t have, like, nine cats, because then there’s too many cats to people. The ratio goes off.

Dulcé: Plus you have to take all those cats to the vet, and are those children in the house? Because then you’ve got to take the kids to the doctor.

Mary: Right, yup.

Dulcé: Kids are expensive, and pets—yeah, man, you’ve got to be able to afford your babies.

Mary: Yes. I have one cat and one child. They’re the same age. And I will say, when you take a small child to the pediatrician and you take the cat to the vet—

Dulcé: Yes.

Mary: So it’s very often, the procedures are very similar, and I feel like it would be so much more economical if I could just do—like they weigh them and they measure them and they take their temperature.

Dulcé: Mm-hmm.

Mary: Just, can’t the vet do that when we’re there with the kid, too? They have all the right equipment. You know?

Dulcé: Or they should have more doctors’ offices/vet offices that can take the kid and the cat at the same time.

Mary: Yes. I remember saying this to someone, and them looking at me like I was a crazy person, but I was like, someone needs to invent, you know, a stroller with a cat carrier attachment so you could transport your child and your cat at the same time.

Dulcé: Ooh.

Mary: Or you know those baby carriers that, you know, are really useful in the city when you don’t want to schlep a stroller on the subway—

Dulcé:  Right.

Mary: You put the baby in the carrier, but then you have to carry your cat too, so there needs to be like a little back thing that you can put the cat in, like in the back, so it’s like a double carrier.

Dulcé:  Well have you seen these new like, like the bubble backpacks that they have for cats now?

Mary: I have seen those! Yeah, yeah.

Dulcé: Well I’ve heard they’re pretty good because the cat can actually like, sit up and see out of the bubble carrier. So you have baby on the front and then bubble carrier with the cat in the back.

Mary: In the back! But yeah, I was like at the playground trying to explain this to another parent, who I think must not have been a cat person, and she was just like, I think there’s something wrong with you. And I was like, I think I have just come up with a multi-million dollar idea. Combination cat/child transportation system for people like me who need or want to take both of their children out and about at the same time.

Dulcé: Yeah, like for a long time I’m trying to figure out, like, okay, how do I get a stroller situation for my cats? Because I was like, walking them around the neighborhood and stuff like that. I finally—

Mary: Yeah. Oh, you walked them in Georgia?

Dulcé:  When I walked around the neighborhood, going to get a little walk in today. It’s funny because my neighbors would ask my brother if I had a baby.

Mary: [Laughter.]  

Dulcé: Like, does your sister have a baby? He’s like no, what’re you talking about? He’s like oh, we saw her with the stroller. Like, oh no, the cats were in there. And they were like, mm-hmm!

Mary: So I think we’ve answered our question in a really amazing way, which is that when you’re asking how many cats is too many, it’s really kind of like the question how many kids is too many. It’s how many can you afford.

Dulcé: Exactly!

Mary: And don’t let them outnumber you to the point where you feel like you’re out of control.

Dulcé: Right.

Mary: There you go. That’s final then. That’s final forever. Thank you.

Dulcé: We did it.

Mary: We did it!

[UPTEMPO, GUITAR DRIVEN ROCK MUSIC]

Mary: It is now time for my favorite part of the show, and hopefully yours, let’s talk about your cats.

Dulcé: Yeah! I think I’ve been doing that the whole time.  

Mary: Yeah, no, no, I love that. I love that. So tell me, how did you meet Queen Esther and Miracle?

Dulcé: I found Esther, I was dating this guy at the time and the neighbors had gotten evicted and they left her.

Mary: What?

Dulcé: So, and she was like a kitten. She was probably like six or seven weeks old? So I just grabbed her and put her in my car. I didn’t go to work the next day, because I was like, I’ve got to figure out what to do with this kitten. So I called, um, a no-kill shelter in Atlanta, and I was like, you know, I found this kitten, can I bring her? And they were like, well, does she have her shots? And I was like, no, because she’s little. Was she fixed? I was like, no, she’s too little. So they’re like, well, we can’t take her, she’s not fixed and doesn’t have her shots. And I was like, so I just got a cat? The lady was like, congratulations! And I was like, that’s not how this works.

Mary: [Laughter.]

Dulcé: So two weeks later, my mom found Miracle on the side of the freeway.

Mary: [Gasps.]

Dulcé: So the reason her name is Miracle is because it was raining, and Miracle was so tiny, she was probably like three weeks old.

Mary: [Gasps] Oh my God!

Dulcé: So my mom was driving down the freeway, and she said something told her to look to the right.

Mary: [Gasps.]

Dulcé: And she saw a kitten, like tipping through the grass. Like walking towards the freeway. So it’s rush hour traffic, it’s raining.

Mary: Oh my God!

Dulcé: So she said she stopped, she pulled over, and she grabbed her and put her in the car, and she had this like this big like container in the back. And she’s just in it, she kept popping her head up, and my mother was like, what were you doing in the grass? Meow, meow, meow, meow! So she called me, and so my mother says, well she’s going to be my cat, but she’s going to live at your house.

Mary: Sure.

Dulcé: Like, that’s not how any of that works.

Mary: Sure, yeah. No, that’s logic right there.

Dulcé: Right. But she was so little we had to feed her with um, cat milk in an eyedropper.

Mary: In an eyedropper, yeah.

Dulcé: I would like, feed her before I went to work, and then on my lunch break, I would go home and feed her and then come back.

Mary: Oh my God.

Dulcé: And now they are 11 years old.

Mary: Oh, I think my heart just grew, like, 29 sizes hearing that. That is amazing. It sounds like it was fate.

Dulcé: Yeah, they found us. Especially Miracle. Um, because literally my mom was just like, something just told her to look over.

Mary: Right. And the fact that she was there on that road at that time.

Dulcé: Mm-hmm.

Mary: I mean, she could have taken a different route, she could have been 10 minutes late, she could have been 10 minutes early. You think about all the variables.

Dulcé: Because she saw another car parked and she think the lady might have dumped them.

Mary: Uh-huh, yeah, that happens.

Dulcé: People do that a lot. Um, like there’s a comic that I know who was catsitting for someone—catsitting for another comic—and I guess he just got tired of catsitting the cat and just dumped this person’s cat. So somebody found the cat and took it to the vet, and it got microchipped, and so they called the owner who was out of the country doing shows. And he called him and he’s like, “ay man, how’s my cat doing?” He’s like, “oh yeah, he’s here playing around.” He’s like, “oh, that’s interesting because um, the vet just called me and told me that my cat was not at my house.”

Mary: Oh my God!

Dulcé: It is at the vet.

Mary: This is a true story?

Dulcé: Yeah.

Mary: Holy shit.

Dulcé: And I never liked this dude, and just after hearing that I was like, if he ever talks to me, I might choke him.

Mary: We’re not going to name names on air, but I need to know who this is after.

Dulcé: Oh, it’s, believe me, this comic, you’ll never—

Mary: That’s right. He’s settled into the dust of obscurity where he belongs.

Dulcé: Oh yeah, he was a trash-ass comic to start with, and then after this I was just like, ohhh! Okay! Someone I thought is—the thing that was in me was like, I don’t like this dude.

Mary: Mm-hmm, you knew.

Dulcé: I just got confirmation. Because I heard that and I was just like, how do you dump—what? Like, I could not function as a person.

Mary: Yeah, I’m going to be processing this for awhile.

[VERY FAST ROCKING GUITAR MUSIC]

Dulcé: I keep trying to get my mom to take the cats to get microchipped.

Mary: Microchipped, yeah. Do they go outside in Georgia?

Dulcé: Yeah, that’s the reason I couldn’t bring them, like when I moved to L.A. I couldn’t take them, and when I moved here I couldn’t bring them because they like to go outside and hunt. But Miracle recently hurt her eye last year. So I think she was outside and she hit a branch or something. My mother wouldn’t tell me at first because she knew I’d be freaked out. So we were praying, we were hoping it was going to get better, but the vet was like, there’s so much damage to the eye, and now the eye is shrinking. It’s like they lose the blood—

Mary: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you lose enough.

Dulcé: Yeah, the eye just started to shrink. And my mother can’t bring herself to take her to get the eye removed. Because they’re like, you’re going to have to take her eye out. And I was like, are you going to take her? She’s like, I can’t take her. I was like, mama, take the cat. Because after Miracle hurt her eye, my mom wouldn’t let either of them go outside.

Mary: Right.

Dulcé: So Miracle was just going crazy. So Miracle, what she would do, she loves to kill stuff.

Mary: [Laughter.]

Dulcé: Um, I saw her grab a bird out of the sky.

Mary: Out, just like out of the air?

Dulcé: Well, the bird was, like the bird was on the ground and she was stalking it, and it was getting ready to like, fly away. And she just jumped out of nowhere and just caught it by the wing.

Mary: That’s instinct.

Dulcé: And I was like, Miracle, let that bird go! And she looked at me and went, mm? and then she ran in the garage and we never found that bird.

Mary: Miracle’s name makes a lot of sense. Queen Esther, where did this come from?

Dulcé: I found out I was going to have to keep her because the no-kill shelter wasn’t going to take her. I picked her up and I looked at her and I was like, what’s your name, kitty-cat? And I was holding her up and I was looking at her, and what I heard in my head was, Queen Esther.

Mary: Wow.

Dulcé: So it sounds kind of spooky, but I heard Queen Esther, so she’s called Queen Esther.

Mary: So she told you her name.

Dulcé: Basically.

Mary: They do that. They do that. I believe that. I believe that is a thing cats can do. And I also, I always had this idea that cats have names that we don’t know.

Dulcé: Yeah! Like in what is it, T.S. Eliot book? Mm-hmm.

Mary: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And so it’s like, I call her Grendel, and she’s like, alright, that’s fine.

Dulcé: Right.

Mary: You can call me that. I’m totally fine with that right now. But there’s other things you don’t know.

Dulcé: Um, my brother calls her Fatty-fat-fat-fat.

Mary: [Laughter.] Oh! We don’t body shame! We don’t body shame cats!

Dulcé: She doesn’t answer to it, so.

Mary: That’s right.

Dulcé: I think she’s fine, but yeah, when she can’t go outside a lot, she like, tries to put on a little weight. And then Miracle was doing this thing, because when I moved to my apartment, they probably had to be like, six or seven years old? I wouldn’t let them go outside. Like, where my apartment was was like, up against like, a line of trees. People would walk through it, and I always have to remember that people aren’t always like, fans of cats, or like people are afraid of cats and I don’t know why.

Mary: Yeah, yup. Yeah, no.

Dulcé: Um, I’ve also had multiple people say that they don’t like cats because you can’t trust them.

Mary: Well, you can’t trust those people.

Dulcé: And I was like, around your girl or your Social Security information? Like what are you talking about?

Mary: Yeah.

Dulcé: So Miracle did this thing where since I wouldn’t let her go outside, she started, uh, chewing off all her fur.

Mary: Oh nooo.

Dulcé: So I took her to the vet. The vet was like, did you shave this cat? And I was like no, I just won’t let her outside. Mom was like, your cat need Prozac. And I was like, I’m not putting my cat on anti-depressants. But when we moved back to my mom’s house and she got to go outside all the time, she quit doing it.

Mary: Yeah.

Dulcé: So I think it was just a nervous thing. And one day, Miracle brought a lizard in my house.

Mary: A lizard?

Dulcé: That lizard was thick, too, boy. I don’t know if he had been working out or what, but this was a thick-ass lizard. And so I was like, Miracle, I understand you want to bring me presents, I get it, but he’s still alive, yo!

Mary: [Laughter.]  

Dulcé: So I eventually caught him and put him back outside. And she’s looking at me like, what’cha doing to my lizard? And I’m like, you can’t have a pet. You don’t have a job! And me and my mother have also tried to figure out how to get these cats Social Security numbers, because she’s like, we feed them and take care of them.

Mary: Tax deduction.

Dulcé: They’re dependents.

Mary: Yes, no, I’ve been saying this for years, the cats should be counted as dependents by the IRS.

Dulcé: Pets should be able to get an identifiable number.

Mary: Yes!

Dulcé: I take care of them.

Mary: They contribute to society, yes.

Dulcé: They contribute to society. They keep me very calm and from fighting most of y’all.

[FAST ROCKING GUITAR MUSIC WITH FEMALE VOICES SINGING]

Mary: I know you came up through the Atlanta comedy scene, but what town in Georgia did you grow up in or live in?

Dulcé: Well, I lived in a bunch of places, but right now my mom and my cats live in Stone Mountain, Georgia. So it’s right outside of Atlanta.

Mary: It’s been a year, right? It’s like one year?

Dulcé: Yeah, I moved here September 3.

Mary: Congratulations, you’ve made it a year in New York.

Dulcé: Thank you.

Mary: I know it’s not easy for people who come here from places with better weather. I hear this all the time.

Dulcé: It’s very traumatizing.

Mary: So I guess my question is, have you noticed a difference between southern cats and northern cats?

Dulcé: I haven’t met enough cats here. Um—

Mary: We’ve got to get you out there.

Dulcé: Well I know cats here are very much inside.

Mary: Yes. Yup.

Dulcé: Like, in Georgia, like my mom, her house sits on like an acre of land. Most people don’t have a fence. You just know where the property line is by basically where people’s grass are cut.

Mary: Right.

Dulcé: And so our neighbor next door, they had an old Volvo with like I think the sun roof was broken out or something.

Mary: [Laughter.]

Dulcé: And so Esther used to sleep in his car.

Mary: Ohhh.

Dulcé: One day, I was talking to her, and the neighbor goes, ay, that your cat? I was like yes, ma’am. She was like, huh. I didn’t know she had an owner! I was like, what? She was like, yeah, she’s been sleeping in our car. And I was like, Esther. She was like, mew! And then she just kind of goes on about her life. But Esther had a boyfriend named, uh, Big Boy.

Mary: [Gasps.]

Dulcé: So Big Boy used to come by and talk to Esther, and there was Tom Thumb, who was a polydactyl cat.

Mary: Oh, I love those.

Dulcé: Because we used to feed the cats outside on the porch, so the cats would come.

Mary: Oh, a porch. See, that’s another thing you don’t get in New York. You don’t get porches.

Dulcé: No, you don’t get a porch. And then there was Llama Cat that my mama called, because when the cat stood up, it’s the longest neck I’ve ever seen on a cat.

Mary: It’s true though, New York—I mean, it’s very easy for people to get kind of isolated in their own apartments with their own cats, and it’s, you know, you have to make more of an effort to run into people and interact with them and interact with their cats. I mean, do you have like a cat social life here in New York? I mean, your cats are back home, right, that’s got to be hard.

Dulcé: Yeah, my cats are—yeah, because sometimes I’ll be in the bed, and I’ll feel like one of them like jumped in the bed.

Mary: [Gasps.]

Dulcé: Oh, this is just me missing my cats. Because they would always—

Mary: It’s like phantom cat feelings.

Dulcé: Yeah, the phantom cat feeling is very weird. Um, and then every once in awhile I’ll get a feeling, I’ll text my mom like, where’s Miracle, where’s Miracle? Because I had a dream like last week that we couldn’t find Miracle. So I immediately texted my mother and I was like, where’s my cat? Where’s my cat? Where is she? Because my mama is funny, she’s like, I didn’t intend on having pets. And I was like, but mama, I can’t take them with me. She’s like okay. I remember the first time I came home after being on the road for like a month, and Miracle cussed me out. Cussed me out! Because what she would do is she would wait in the driveway for me to come home, like if I’d been out like at work or something. But she would always like get right in front of the car so you couldn’t see her. So it always scared me every time I came home, and I’m just like, Miracle move, Miracle move. And my mother was like, she’s going to have to learn. And I’m like, no, she can’t learn. Just move! And I came home from being on the road, and she’s standing at the top of the stairs, and she sees me and she opens her drunk cat eyes, and then she goes, [cat screeching noise] and I’m like, I’m so sorry, I apologize. She went off! Like it’s actually much longer than what I just did.

Mary: Uh-huh.

Dulcé: But I was just standing there going, I’m so sorry, I apologize for the inconvenience. Because they would always sleep in the bed with me, but my mother doesn’t let them sleep in the bed with them.

Mary: Oh no, so they’re sleeping alone!

Dulcé: Well they have their own room.

Mary: Oh, they—okay, well, there you go.

Dulcé: They have their own room, they have their own little cat houses. Um—

Mary: So your mom has become a pretty legit pet owner. [Laughter.]

Dulcé: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we have the cat mansions that we bought years ago, um, but they’re too big for the cat mansions now, because they’re full-grown cats.

Mary: Oh, sure.

Dulcé: Esther will spend all day outside and she made a little like, space for herself in the bushes. That’s where she sat all day. And literally, there’s been times where I’ve been yelling and yelling and yelling for Esther to come in, and she’s just sitting in the bushes.

Mary: Right, because they can hear you. It’s just like, I am choosing not to—

Dulcé: She’s probably five feet from me.

Mary: Yeah, right.

Dulcé: But when we first moved to the house with them, she just disappeared for like, a day and a half.

Mary: Right.

Dulcé: And I was bawling, crying.

Mary: Ohhh.

Dulcé: Bawling, walking through the neighborhood. Esther! Esther! My mama was like, she’s probably back at the house. So we went back to the house and we circled around again. Esther! Esther! We circled around again. Came back again, and she’s just in the driveway like, what’s up? And I was like, are you kidding me?!

Mary: [Laughter.]

Dulcé: Are you fucking serious? I was screaming and crying, trying to find you, didn’t know where you were! Meow!

Mary: Because that’s the great thing about cats. They have no regard for your feelings, except for when they really care about your feelings.

Dulcé: And sometimes it’s because she was like, I’m busy.

Mary: When you miss them, what do you do? Do you FaceTime with them?

Dulcé: I don’t always FaceTime with them because it confuses them.

Mary: [Gasps] They think it’s real? They’re like, I, I can see you?

Dulcé: Well, like what they do is they’ll look at the phone and then look at the side of the phone.

Mary: Oh no, they think you’re behind the phone.

Dulcé: Right, so it’s like, where is she? So like, I’ll call and like talk to them, but like, they’ll look on the side like, wait, where is she? I’m looking at her. But whenever I come home, I always get a little bit of attitude because it’s like, where have you been? We missed you? And then take every opportunity to be all in my face. Because Miracle drools when she purrs.

Mary: Oh, ohh, I love that though. It’s like they’re so into it. They’re like, nnnwaaaa.

Dulcé: But then she’ll shake her head.

Mary: Oh, and then it goes everywhere.

Dulcé: It goes everywhere. Miracle, please! But Miracle is very aggressive about you loving her. Which she got from her mama, that’s me!

Mary: [Laughter.]

Dulcé: Um, it used to be more buddy-buddy when they were little. I don’t know who made who mad, but now they don’t. Because they used to curl up together. But now they very much give each other space. Or they’ll walk past each other and they’ll just kind of like swat.

Mary: When you left—

Dulcé: Uh-huh?

Mary: Did you like, sit them down and be like, listen, mommy loves you.

Dulcé: [Spittakes.]

Mary: But mommy has to work.

Dulcé: But I mean, I come home for the holidays.

Mary: Sure, okay.

Dulcé: But, um, people always act like their animals don’t have a concept of time. I’m like—

Mary: Oh no, they do.

Dulcé: I think that they have like an idea of like, okay, it’s been light and dark.

Mary: Yeah.

Dulcé: And I haven’t seen you for this many lights and darks, so.

Mary: Have you thought about getting a cat here in New York?

Dulcé: No, because I travel—

Mary: You travel a lot anyway.

Dulcé: So like, I was in Scotland for 10 days in August.

Mary: Whoa!

Dulcé: So—

Mary: Did you see any nice cats there?

Dulcé: Oh, because I went for the Edinburgh Fringe.

Mary: Yeah.

Dulcé: And so we were at this outdoor seating area attached to this bar, and this like, little Scottish cat comes walking through. And you just saw a bunch of adults go, KITTY!!

Mary: [Laughter.]  

Dulcé: Come back, I want to love you! KITTY!!! And like the next night she came and she jumped through the fence and she walked through the people. She jumped back. And I was talking to one of my friends and I was like, yeah, you know, that show was really great, and I really like—KITTY!!!!!

Mary: [Laughter.]

Dulcé: So it was a bunch of adults stood up, drinking, and being all smart and stuff and the cat walks through and they’re like, COME BACK, LET ME LOVE YOUUUU! Yes, but we’ve had like other cats, Smokey and Shadow that my brother found. The funny thing about Smokey—

Mary: So wait, wait—

Dulcé: What?

Mary: Your whole family is like, serious cat people is what I’m getting from this.

Dulcé: Yeah, because we had cats when I was little, um—

Mary: I mean, but not just having cats, though, right? They’re like—your mom raised you to be a cat person.

Dulcé: Yeah, we always—

Mary: Like there are people who have cats, and then there are cat people.

Dulcé: Yeah.

Mary: You folks are cat people.

Dulcé: Yeah.

Mary: So we always end this show by asking people to say something to their cats back home.

Dulcé: Okay!

Mary: And I would like to do that with you. So if you have something you’d like to say to Queen Esther and Miracle, I’d love to hear it. But I’d also love to know if there’s something you’d like to say to your mom, who hopefully is listening—

Dulcé: I’ll tell her about it.

Mary: With Queen Esther and Miracle.

Dulcé: Yes. Um, Queen Esther, I love you. Uh, you’re always hiding. Um, and you come out when you want to come out. And I am very glad that I met you, and I’m trying not to cry. And Miracle [stifling tears] I’m sorry I’m not there to take care of you because your eye is hurt. Um, and I’m sorry that I didn’t get to yell at our other vet, um, when they said that you were okay. Because we didn’t know you weren’t okay, because I am not a veterinarian. Um, but I’m glad you’re okay, and I’m glad that I have a job where we can afford to take you to a specialist to take care of you. And thank you for being with my mom and being silly. And thank you to my mama who is taking care of my cats, even though she never intended on having pets. Uh, which she always tells me. And thank you for stopping me from when I spiral, because I am very crazy about my animals. I’m always super worried about them. So then when you have a mom perspective, like when you raise kids and you’re just like, yeah, they get hurt. And then you just deal with the fact that they got hurt. Because I wouldn’t let them outside and my mother was like, you have to let them outside.

Mary: Yeah, you have to let go.

Dulcé: Yeah, and I was like, I didn’t get it at first.

Mary: You do have to let go, but nobody ever says that’s easy, and it’s not. It’s not. And I just want to say, I am so glad you came here today.

Dulcé: Thank you!

Mary: I’m going to pass you the Kleenex. Um—

Dulcé: Thank you, because I miss my babies.

Mary: No, and here’s the thing. You have been, and I say this honestly, truly one of my favorite correspondents ever on The Daily Show.

Dulcé: Thank you.

Mary: You have been killing it.

Dulcé: Thank you.

Mary: And I am so excited to see what you do next professionally.

Dulcé: Thank you.

Mary: But I think after this conversation even more than that, I really, my hope for you is that in the future, you’re able to be living a life in warm weather with cats.

Dulcé: Yeah!

Mary: Which to me is how you are meant to be.

Dulcé: Thank you.

[AGGRESSIVE, GUITAR DRIVEN ROCK MUSIC]

Mary: We also have some listener shout-outs to do before we go. Um, so first of all, we want to send a shout-out to Niblet, who’s listening in Louisiana. Niblet, your mom wants you to know that she loves you very much and you are the best spooning partner ever.

Dulcé: Yeah kitty! Love!

Mary: Um, we want to say hello to Xander, who is listening right here in New York City. Your mom and dad say, Xander, you need to stop puking on the couch. Ooh!

Dulcé: Oh, Miracle throws up if she eats too fast.

Mary: Okay, yeah, Xander, maybe slow down the eating. That’s a good tip. Uh, and finally, uh, hello to Felix in Los Angeles. Felix, I know you’ve been helping your mom through some really tough times lately. Uh, she wants to say thank you. She loves you, she really appreciates your support, and Felix, I appreciate that too. It’s really great to know that our cats are there for us when we need them. Um, so Dulcé Sloan—

Dulcé: Hello!

Mary: Um, obviously people can watch you on The Daily Show, on Comedy Central.

Dulcé: Yeah, when I’m on. [Laughter.]

Mary: But where—where else—[Laughter] –which, you should be on more, um, cc: Comedy Central. Um, where can people find you if they want to stay in touch, learn more about what you’re doing?

Dulcé: Um, I’m on the Instawham as @dulcesloan, um, Twitter as @dulcesloan. Facebook is Dulcé Sloan. Um, website Dulcé Sloan. Any shows I have coming up, um, I’m going to send to my mom so she can post it on my website. [Laughter.]

Mary: Your mom updates your website for you?

Dulcé: Yeah, because she retired. Because!

Mary: So she’s just at home taking care of your cats and updating your website?

Dulcé: Mm-hmm.

Mary: Okay, shoutout to Dulcé’s mom. [Laughter.]

Dulcé: Yeah, she has her own business because she was working a day job and she was just like, I can’t do this anymore. And I was like, okay. So she retired, and now if I need help with flights or anything—

Mary: That’s amazing.

Dulcé: Or if I need my website updated, you have to send me all your dates.

Mary: Your mom is in charge now.

Dulcé: And it’s weird to ask your mom to do stuff.

Mary: Oh yeah, no, I know.

Dulcé: Like when I said, I was like mama can you update this? Sure! And I was like, it’s still weird to ask my mom.

Mary: [Laughter.] Do it better, mom!

Dulcé: To do some assistant stuff.

Mary: Yeah.

Dulcé: But she’s helping me out.

[UPBEAT, SLIGHTLY FRANTIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC: Let’s talk about cats! Let’s talk about cats!]

Mary: Alright, thank you Dulcé Sloan.

Dulcé: Thank you for having me.

Mary: This has been another episode of Let’s Talk About Cats. To make sure you don’t miss another episode, subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. And while you’re there, leave us a rating and a review. Those starry friends make a big difference in our lives. That’s it for this week. My name is Mary, my cat’s name is Grendel. Our producer is the perpetually energized Lizzie Jacobs. Our theme song is by Poingly, with additional music by The English Muffins. Our show logo was created by Julia Emiliani. That’s all for now, thank you so much for listening, and I’ll talk to you soon… about cats. Bye, bye.